A Coaching Session with Vladimir Putin

A little levity amidst the one-year anniversary of this contemptible invasion of Ukraine.

PUTIN: Can you hear me?

COACH: I can see you, but I can’t hear you.

PUTIN: This damn Kremlin WiFi! Let me go into different room. One sec…

COACH: No prob…

PUTIN: Ok…there…

COACH: Hold on, now I can hear you but I can’t see you…

PUTIN: Feh! It’s been that kind of year…let me go into this room.

COACH: Ok! There we go, how are you, Mr President?

PUTIN: I’m ok…frustrated but ok.

COACH: I heard you use the word, “frustrated…”

PUTIN: I’m actually frustrated with my staff right now. I mean right before our call, I had situation with…lunch.

COACH: Oh?

PUTIN: Yes, Kremlin chef thought it would be funny to serve me Chicken Kiev — his little form of rebellion as we approach one-year anniversary of my Special Military Operation in Ukraine.

COACH: I see.

PUTIN: I was so angry, I wanted to send him straight to prison in Siberia so he could utilize his culinary skills making gruel for the rest of his life.

COACH: How did that work out?

PUTIN: I held back. His blinis are divine. Even better than my mother’s. I wound up screaming at deputy chief of staff. Then I dispatched him to latrine coordination role in Luhansk.

COACH: Ok, we can stay on this topic or pick up from our last session…

PUTIN: Let’s move to new topic. I want to talk about Special Military Operation. I’m stuck.

COACH: Stuck? Hmm. Is your goal clear enough?

PUTIN: Could not be more clear: Crush the Ukrainians. Secure their land…then roll over rest of Europe. Also deploy surprise pincer move over Alaska to take over United States. Get machine rolling and take over every single country. Total world domination. Clear as bell!

COACH: I see. And what’s holding you back?

PUTIN: What’s holding me back…resources. My materiel stinks. I mean it’s like the Ukrainians are armed with MacBook Pros and we’re over here rockin’ Commodore 64s…

COACH: What else?

PUTIN: What else…human resources. Our soldiers. They seem completely lost and incompetent.

COACH: You said you believe your vision is clear. Do you think the soldiers know their “Why?”

PUTIN: I told them when I was in field. And I tell them all the time in our Zoom breakout sessions: “We are going to restore the world to Soviet glory!”

COACH: And how do they respond?

PUTIN: They say “Soviet glory? Do you mean long bread lines, 3 TV channels and 24-hour propaganda?”

COACH: I see.

PUTIN: I don’t know why they can’t see the beauty here. I must be doing something wrong.

COACH: Sounds like your Inner Critic is back.

PUTIN: I thought I sent Inner Critic to gulag, but here we are.

COACH: What’s…um, Stalin?…That’s the name you gave to your Inner Critic, correct?

PUTIN: Yes, Stalin.

COACH: What is Stalin saying to you?

PUTIN: He’s saying, “Vladdy Boy, you’re being a pussy. Stop dilly-dallying and crush your enemies.”

COACH: And how does that make you feel?

PUTIN: Like loser.

COACH: Well, is Stalin right?

PUTIN: No…but I do think he’s telling me something else.

COACH: Sometimes the Inner Critic is your friend.

PUTIN: Yes, I think he’s saying there’s better way.

COACH: Go on…

PUTIN: I think he’s saying go nuclear.

COACH: Oh?!

PUTIN: I’m not afraid to push button.

COACH: Really?

PUTIN: If I have to, I guess I will. I mean, I have wonderful bunker under my Dacha. Got whole place kitted out by Restoration Hardware and Roche Bobois. Big Samsung 4K flat screen, too, and PlayStation5. Grab coupla Tyolkas and a few of my bro-skis and we can ride out the apocalypse.

COACH: And how is that plan serving your goal?

PUTIN: It’s not, but maybe I need new goal.

COACH: Let’s talk about that.

PUTIN: Not now. I’m afraid I have to cut our session short.

COACH: Ok, well I hope there was something useful for you from this conversation.

PUTIN: Oh, yes. I mean…sometimes all a person needs is for someone to listen.

COACH: Indeed.

PUTIN: And I will work on my goal-setting, as you suggest. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need new goal.

COACH: Perhaps give peace a chance?

PUTIN: Peace?…boooof…I dunno…Meantime, I get finance department to pay your recent invoice. Coaching is necessity, not luxury! Chat in two weeks!