A Coaching Session with Santa Claus

Imagine being a fly-on-the-wall as Santa lays out his challenges

SANTA: Coach! Good to see you!

COACH: Always a pleasure, Kris.

SANTA: Thanks for your patience, we had a “laser issue” at our chip factory which shut the line down. Not easy making semiconductors!

COACH: Sounds sophisticated.

SANTA: What the heckadoodle do I know? I liked it back when we were making wood ponies and drummer boys. Now we have Elves assembling video games and smart phones!

COACH: So what’s on your mind?

SANTA: What’s not on my mind: Elf-WFH issues, Sustainability challenges with the local North Pole politicians, Last-mile delivery hiccups. You know these Ring security systems wake up the whole damn family. They see the reindeer before I get a leg in the chimney!

COACH: That’s a heavy load.

SANTA: I’m most alarmed by the data.

COACH: Data?

SANTA: I’ve got one of these data-wonk Elves that has been doing some kind of sentiment analysis and the trending is alarming.

COACH: How so?

SANTA: Well, there’s something called the “Net Belief Score.”

COACH: The NBS?

SANTA: Exactly. The Elf tells me we ask one question in a massive global survey. One question: “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”

COACH: Simple and clear.

SANTA: Indeed. But the results…a steady rise in negative answers.

COACH: People say, “No?”

SANTA: Yep.

COACH: How do you respond to this?

SANTA: Oh, it’s been a long-term study. We started when our production dipped after the 2008 financial crisis. We’re finally at pre-COVID levels.

COACH: And emotionally, where are you?

SANTA: Well, of the 5 stages of data grief I’m between bargaining and depression. I’m at my wits end, frankly. It's tiring trying to inspire people to believe.

COACH: Has anything worked to change course?

SANTA: I thought we were gonna change the tide with this year’s Coca-Cola collab, but they plunged us deeper with their humbuggily commercial made with A.I. These confounding robots don’t know how to make “Christmas Cheer!”

COACH: And cheer is an ingredient to belief.

SANTA: Like what butter is to a cookie. Speaking of which, we have some snickerdoodles and milk behind you.

COACH: I’m good, thanks. Now, are there any pockets of believers?

SANTA: Yes! It seems Japan, Finland and Iowa are strongholds. Then we have a few secondary and tertiary territories around Australia, Mexico and Ottawa.

COACH: Maybe focus where you have traction.

SANTA: Hmm..so don’t push too hard to get San Francisco and Belgium to believe?

COACH: Belgium?

SANTA: Belgians can be low-key cynics. Lovely folks but they’re not having it with me.

COACH: Here’s a thought: use the data to focus on your strengths, rather than focusing on weaknesses and deficits.

SANTA: Don’t throw a reindeer rein up an icy hill, eh?

COACH: Good metaphor.

SANTA: I just wish…

COACH: What?

SANTA: I just wish the world wasn’t so messed up.

COACH: That’s just the way it is. All you can do is what you’ve always done.

SANTA: And what’s that?

COACH: Be a force for good.

SANTA: But I’m just one man. Although on Southwest Airlines I do purchase two seats — you know, to give me and the missus a little more room.

COACH: You once told me that your job was to be “a shining example of the goodness in the world.” Remember that? That’s your purpose.

SANTA: And you once told me to “Be the change I want see in the world.”

COACH: Sounds like you have an approach.

SANTA: I love these sessions, Coach. Did you send me a letter this year?

COACH: Of course!

SANTA: Lemme check my email. Do-dee-do…Ah!…Coach! There you are. It’s a book: “Extreme Ownership.” The Navy Seals book!

COACH: Have you read it?

SANTA: No, but I may do the Audible version on the first leg of my deliveries. North Pole to Christmas Island is a heckuva jag.

COACH: Sounds good. Merry Christmas, Santa!

SANTA: You too, Coach. And remember, it’s “Happy Holidays” now.

Image: Midjourney